The Era of Slater.

[After a commercial, RAW cuts to conference hall where we see Heath Slater standing in front of a podium with his new Intercontinental Championship on his shoulder. Although there are rows and rows of seats, only four people have shown up. Mama Slater, Heath’s 3rd grade teacher Mrs. Krings, Val Venis, and one of Val’s porn star friends named Daisy who is missing an arm and is clearly only there because Val offered her some coke if she showed up to support his buddy. Slater scans the crowd looking a bit disappointment that his new champion status hasn’t brought him the fame he imagined.]

[Slater asks Val,] “This is all we’re getting isn’t it?” [Val nods his head.]

Slater: *sigh* Oookkkay, hello everybody and thank you for coming to my press conference. As you all may know, I am now the new Intercontinental Champion after I kicked Kevin Nash’s ass in a –

Mama Slater: HEATH! Language please!

Slater: MOOOOOMMMMM! All the kids talk like that okay?

Mama Slater: My baby boy isn’t going to be using that filthy language. You’re grounded for a week young man.

Slater: BUT MOOOOOMMMMM

Mama Slater: No buts!

Slater: Fine! Anyways, as I was saying, now that I am the champion, RAW will have a huge ratings spike in no time. John Laurinaitis is counting on me to hold this title for as long as I can so I have developed a plan to keep my title.

[Slater grabs a poster that is resting on a wall behind him. He places the poster on a stand next to him.]



Slater: As you can see, he plan has four parts. The first is to-

Mrs. Krings: Ar-are those letters made out of penises?

Slater: …yeah. I don’t have a computer so I used Val’s. This is the only font he has... Look it’s not important alright? Anyway, I figure if I can somehow get disqualified in my matches, I will still retain my title even though I lose! It’s a fool proof plan!

Val Venis: Fool proof!

Mama Slater: I don’t know sweetie, that doesn’t sound fair to the other competitors.

Slater: That’s the point mama! These guys are better than me! I got to do whatever it takes to keep this thing. I am the greatest Intercontinental Champion of all time and I can’t be the champion if somebody beats me fair and square. Now, are there any questions?

[Daisy raises her one and only arm.]

Daisy: I was promised cocaine.

Slater: Oh. Yeah we lied about that.

[Slater puts his hand in his pocket rummaging around for something. He pulls out a piece of paper.]

Slater: Here, take this. It’s a gift card to Denny’s. I think there’s like four dollars on it still.

[Daisy stands up, takes the card and sits down.]

Slater: Alllllright if that’s all of the questions then I have a treat for you all. I’m going to close out this press conference with a ROCK CONCERT FROM THE ONE MAN BAAAANNNNNDDDD BABAY!!!! Now hold on, just let me plug in my air guitar to this amp here and we can get this show on the road!

[Slater turns around and fiddles with his imaginary guitar. As he turns around, he finds that everybody has left and he is the only person in the room.]



Slater: OH COME ON!

(Promo Closed)